While we were talking, she mentioned a mom in Dallas’ preschool class who was upset. Her little boy is new to the class--new to school period--and is having a hard time making friends. This mother was so upset by this that she cornered Mary and started talking about how Dallas won’t play with him and incites the other kids to exclude him too. Well, Mary felt horrible, and assured this mom that Dallas would get a good talking-to, but the mom just wouldn’t let it go.
But the question remains…
What does this mom want Mary to do about it? Is Mary supposed to force Dallas to be this boy’s friend, and if so, how? Should she monitor the classroom now, watching for any exclusive behavior on Dallas’ part?
This little boy is obviously new to socializing with this particular set of kids, and he, just like all of us, has to learn how. We can teach our kids the rules, about kindness and empathy or even what to do when someone else is mean. But we can’t control other people’s actions. And that’s a vital life lesson that can only be learned through experience. Social interaction equals social education.
Take me for instance. I absolutely hated middle-school. It was a pretty bad time for me. But I took many important lessons from those wretched experiences that couldn’t have been taught in any other setting.
Sometimes, when Stevie’s cries about something, some kid on the playground will call him ‘baby’ and make him cry harder. If he was hitting it would be one thing, but I can’t yell at that kid to stop calling him a baby (even though I want to rip the little bugger’s head off). The only thing I can tell Stevie is to first, stand up for himself and tell the kid you don’t like, and if that doesn’t work, ignore it and go play with someone else.
I guess my main conclusion is this: our kids are going to get hurt…bad. Kids will be cruel and say horrible things. And my heart breaks in a million pieces at the very thought. I know he’s going to go through it and I wish I could take the hurt away. But I also want him to be strong. I can give guidance and act as counselor, but not as a barrier between him and all the bad stuff in the world. Sheltering him only denies him the opportunity to fight it, change it or learn to deal with it by himself.
Annnnnndd, I'm spent. Self-righteous ranting complete.
9 comments:
I totally agree with you. No, that mother should not have to MAKE her son be friends with that other kid. As long as she has taught him kindness and empathy, and makes sure he isn't getting the others to be mean, that's enough. It's so touchy, and I don't look forward to these situations. But you are right, they can't be sheltered. That's why Bryce and I are going to buy an island and live alone. Haha.
Ditto to Kelli's opinion on the boy. And it DOES suck! I don't want my kids to be hurt, i get So scared, all we can do is tell them, like you said, to stick up for themselves. The very first day of Nat's preschool she came home and said some of the girls were mean to her. I about died. I then told her, you know what, if they are mean, then why would you even want to be around them? just go play with the nice kids! And now she is fine and likes it there. That mom was totally out of line to confront your friend like that, how awkward, that would have pissed me off! Maybe her kid is annoying and aggressive like her and that is why they dont like him?? just a thought...hehehehe
Re: Shannon's comment - "Maybe her kid is annoying and aggressive like her and that is why they dont like him???"
You could be absolutely right. Another reason could be that the mother always runs interference for her son whenever he has a problem, so he hasn't developed any self confidence. That sure takes a lot of nerve to confront another mom like that other kid's mother did to your friend.
p.s.-I sent you an email with Jenni's phone number. She's trying to get in touch with you but she doesn't have your phone number, and neither do I.
So not ever having had a kid at this age I can tell you that it only seems to get crazier as they get older. It sounds to me like this mom might be re-living experiences or rejection that she experienced when she was younger and is trying to avoid the same experiences for her child. Well tough. Sometimes we only learn through unpleasant experiences and maybe the only way her kid can learn to be more well liked is to experience rejection or whatever and decide what kind of friends he wants to make for himself.
I know. I mean, I'm not condoning Dallas' behavior by far. If he was really being mean, then he should be stopped. But you still can't force kids to be friends. And this little boy, after he's been able to experience more social interaction, is sure to catch on and make more friends. But not if mom clears the way for him. Then he won't learn how to correct his own behavior, either.
P.S., if Stevie is ever instigating some horrible friend-sabotage thing on any of your kids, please tell me! I promise not to bite your head off!
hehehe, i have a hard time imagining you biting ANYONES head off!
Stevie bit me.
I'm sure you deserved it.
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