HECK! DANG! FETCH! SHIBLON! AND EVERY OTHER MORMON CURSE WORD!
Why is it that every time I’ve tried to plan a date with my husband for the past FOUR MONTHS, it’s blown up miserably in my face? We’d tentatively planned a switch-off with my visiting brother and sister-in-law, but they completely misunderstood us and it’s not going to work. I am so DESPERATE to do something just by ourselves, but somehow it seems it will never be.
Now that Steven’s a 9-to-5er instead of a high school teacher, I see him considerably less. For the first time in our marriage, he’s gone for 12 hours of the day, and involved in all kinds of stuff that I don’t know anything about.
And I know it’s not a popular sentiment, but I feel like I'm significantly less interesting since I’ve become a stay-at-home mom, mostly because I suck at all those talents that so many of my excellent sisters excel at (spec. cleaning, cooking, making your house look fashionable, sewing, being nice to your children, etc).
I KNOW my job is important and I KNOW that it will matter most and reap the most rewards temporally and spiritually in the end. But that doesn’t change the fact that all the things that once made me feel talented, unique and independent while I was working are now reduced to the occasional and somewhat self-serving musical number at church.
Anyway, so I have less and less to talk to anyone about except for my kids. And you want to know the truth? The ugly, nasty, shame-on-you-Sister-Grundberg truth? I’m sick of my kids right now. I’m sick of being mediator and punisher and consoler and entertainer, and I’d really rather just sit down and have a nice laugh with someone who’s making hilarious or even intelligible comments.
One light at the end of the tunnel: Steven and I are going to be auditioning for the Bay Area Chorus on Monday. And I don’t care if we have to pay somebody $80 every week to watch the kids during rehearsal (um, okay, maybe $15). We’re doing it, because I’m so sick of looking at the inside walls of this house.
14 comments:
I speak for myself, but I'm sure many people will agree that if I'm honest, I'm not a whiz at the cooking, cleaning, or being nice to my children thing either. I have moments of glory, but it is hard to feel unique and important when the only attention you get all day is from toddlers - who, lets face it, aren't usually great at giving us all of the praise that we need. I used to feel that I knew lots of cool things and had a lot to offer people, but now I feel boring, socially stunted, and like I just want to get out by myself sometimes. You are not alone! I wish I was closer so that I could watch your kids for you and give you and Steven a much needed night out.
I know exactly how you are feeling! I feel the exact same way alot!! I have to practically beg Nic to let me go out alone after I have put the kids to bed during the week. It is hard to be a mom and I think only us women truly understand that!!
ARGH! You are sooooo not ugly or nasty and no one is twitching their finger at you! We are all in this boat, seriously. I think there is something about motherhood that makes us lose our identities in a way...at least that is how I feel!! I hate to even SAY that, but the truth is the truth.
But to get that little piece of self back...you do what you need to do, pay who you need to pay...find activities for YOU and for YOU ALONE (or with hubby, cause thats fun too).
I feel that in order to be the good, loving, cleaning, cooking, crafting mother that we are 'expected' to be....we have to have an outlet and we have to be able to get away from time to time, if not on a regular basis!! Get yourself OUT THERE, so you can then in turn come back to your home and appreciate it once again.
Miss you (and as always, you are more fantastic than you think you are!)
OH man! I wish I could copy this post and steal it as my own. I am right there with ya babes, and if it makes you feel any better (which I know it does for me) I too, am so fed up with my kids right now! I jsut want them to STOP! Just for like 5 mins, or 2 days, whichever! And I feel ya too on the whole date night thing, it has taken me forever to get to where I feel OK about asking for sitting and I still havent ever done it for both kids so Keith and I can go do something fun! Thank you for being so honest and helping ME to know I am not alone (geesh, how selfish am I!!), we love and miss you! And one day SOON I will be making that trek down to see you, I WILL!
And yay for joining a choir! that will be SO cool!
I also wish I was closer so you could go out with your husband! And I know we all feel uninteresting or untalented much of the time. But YOU are so talented, and you've accomplished so much. You've been through a stressful few months, and you need some recovery time. I'll pray for you to get it! And you totally crack me up, by the way. I've never heard "Shiblon" used as a Mormon curse word.
I could have written this, too. I also feel boring when I at home with my kids. That by the time I am with another adult and can talk to them that I don't know how to anymore because all I do it talk to my children all day. And I sit around and stare and my house and kids and think that I don't clean well enough, cook well enough, sew, quilt, do genealogy, etc., etc.
And additional wishes from me that we lived closer together so that we could trade baby-sitting.
I'm so glad that you found a choir there to join, I can't wait to hear how it is!
Ditto. I don't cook, clean any of that other stuff well enough. The good news is that once your kids get older, it is easier to do other things. The bad news is that then you are worried about what they are doing, and when they get their own social lives you are either driving them everywhere, or sitting at home feeling pitiful because you are no longer needed. And still someone else has the social life, not you! That is why I am going back to school, to try to feel smart/good about something.
Walking that line of balancing time for yourself and your kids is definitely a fine one. Us working moms (well, me anyway) feel like we’re too selfish by spending so much time outside of the house and want to spend more time at home – while (it appears) a lot of stay at home moms itch to get out of the house here and there. It’s a tough one for sure.
I say – if you want to get a job – go get one! (Leave it up to the non-Mormon to suggest that – huh?) :-) In my opinion - a happy mommy is a good mommy. Maybe just a part time gig would do the trick. (Of course then, you’ve got to figure out if any salary you make would outweigh what you’d be paying in daycare. That’s a whole other post by itself!)
Speaking of which – what did you decide to do about the preschool? Just curious.
Cheree-about the whole preschool thing:
1. I looked online on the state board of ed, and found out Stevie can't even go to kindergarten until 2010!!! So he has TWO years before he's in kindergarten.
2. I had all but decided on this really good Church of Christ preschool, until I found out how much it cost (and it was the cheapest one!). Now I just have him on the waiting list for this thing called Trooper school, which is also a very good program through the school district but it's much cheaper. The problem is that he can't get in this year because it's already full. If he still can't get in next year, I'll probably try to save my pennies and put him in the PeeWeeville school (that's the Church of Christ one). Sigh. We'll see.
I know this may sound lame, but I look at posts like this and wish that I had the opportunity to feel the same way. I know I know don't wish it on yourself. But you have such a great blessing to be able to stay home with your kids and it is something I honestly really want to do. I may regret saying this later, but the time you have with your kids is priceless and it's what Heavenly Father wants us as moms to be doing. I feel guilty that I work, even though that is just the situation we are in right now. Just remember that no matter how frustrating life gets and how much you would rather be doing something else, there will always be someone who wishes they could be doing what you are doing!
And I echo what others have said, you are amazing and talented and a good mom. :) I'm so excited you'll be auditioning for choir and I hope it works out! They would be crazy not to have you both!
How did the audition go??? Have you thought about teaching voice lessons at a local high school part time? You'd be so great at it.
ALL stay at home moms feel the way you do sometimes. If they say they don't they're lying.
I think all mom's (especially those that are musicians or artists) have to have a creative outlet. Being a mom just doesn't cut it sometimes.
I'll come down and watch your kids for $80.
James is so funny.
I agree that the price tag on preschool is ridiculous. I hope you find something that works out for you guys though (and soon). :-)
Hey I hear ya. Come to my house its always a mess, nothing cute is on the walls. We are all in this together!
and I was gone at a church function Saturday only to come home and find a pool table in my formal dining room (Jared's excuse was we were not using it for anything else...) Thrilled! I am thinking about becoming a pool shark to promote my non-existent social life, but then I suck at actually hitting the balls and I don't look particularly good in tight leather (not to mention leather in Houston has to chaff something horrible :)
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