that goes on in my mind is should I be a good Mormon mommy and stay home with my kids? Or 1) are my kids way better off with a less psychotic guardian and 2) would I be more fulfilled and generally SANE if I went back to teaching. (I’d certainly be richer…*sigh).
I’ve done some seriously flirting with the whole returning-to-work idea this month. Besides the money, I truly love teaching and feel absolute JOY when I’m surrounded by singing/dancing little children (oh, by the way, I was a music teacher). The validation I received is much more tangible and I KNOW that I’m good at what I do. Or at least that I’m qualified for the job.
But I remember how my heart hurt when I’d have to leave Stevie at the babysitter’s house. I remember the fervent guilt I'd feel about not just being with him. And now that I’ve been able to stay home with David, I realize how very much I missed of Stevie’s babyhood.
But there have been several days this month where I’ve questioned my own efficiency, temperament, productivity and general significance in the scheme of things. And I think about how those things are never in question when I’m working. (Or were they…and I just don’t remember now. I’m famous for doing that).
It just doesn’t seem fair that I’m wracked with guilt in both situations.
So here’s what I’ve come up with:
My main problem (besides the money) with staying at home is my lack of ability to be what I want to be (which is a mixture of my mom, Martha Stewart, Bob Villa, Mother Theresa and a Victoria Secret model). I’m lacking in certain areas when it comes to managing a home and raising children. Because I’m not as good as I want to be, my first impulse is to give up and do something I’m good at instead.
After a bit of soul-searching, I’ve realized this is wrong. Instead of throwing up my hands and saying, “I just can’t do this,” I should be rolling up my sleeves and LEARNING HOW to be a better home-manager/child-rearer.
And plus, I really feel like Heavenly Father wants me to learn to validate myself, instead of always looking to others to tell me how great I am and give me gold stars. I think He’s trying to teach me to be satisfied in the knowledge that what I’m doing IS important and significant, and that any sacrifices I might make ARE recognized and ARE making a positive difference in my children’s lives. I also think I’ve been given an amazing opportunity to improve myself and learn things I would never have time to learn if I was working full-time. It’s an incredible blessing to be able to stay home at all. Some don’t have the choice.
Conclusion: it’s time to roll up my sleeves. More to follow.
8 comments:
Seriously, I am going thru this SAME THING right now. It's so hard to know what to do! I do have a great job that allows me to be at home during the day...but if I went and found a job for what I went to school for, I could make a ton more money, work less, and have that validations I feel is lacking in my life right now. WHY do I need to have the validation of the world, I dunno...but it feels so nice! BUT...I, too, remember crying when dropping Bella off at daycare b/c all I wanted was to be with her. And now I've been given that chance with BOTH of my children...so why can't I be happy??
It's that adversary...working at us...making us feel like we aren't doing enough when Mommyhood really IS enough. Then I have the thought (even as I typed that) that I want to BE something, ya know? Ugh.
Can't wait to see what's to follow for you :).
Your not alone, I am sure every mother goes through those phases, whether they are working or at home...and not only once. The grass always seems to look a little greener on the other side (but its because it doused in fertilizer and pesticides or you get there only to realize its AstroTurf :)
Have you thought about subbing or doing private music lessons? Maybe a little bit of the best from both worlds.
Wow....what a lot to think about. And you're right, it's a lot easier to work outside the home-you get lot's more compliments on how wonderful you are, the money is nice, and the world approves. But you're also right about staying at home--the rewards are not nearly as obvious, but they are eternal and tremendous. I did work when Kara was small. I justified it because it was only part-time, but I wonder now if I should have stayed home. Of course, moms do have a corner on the guilt market. Ultimately, I think you have to counsel with your husband, take it to the Lord and do what the Holy Ghost tells you to do. None of us is going to be perfect, whether at home or at work, so just do the best we can. I just wish LDS women would be more accepting of each other and each sister's decision on this and much, much less judgemental about it all. The judging (from both sides) bothers me more than almost anything.
I am proud of you for taking the challenge. I wish I would have been able to be a good SAHM, but unfortunately for me I need that validation. I am good at my job and I make a difference in so many people's lives with what I do. I don't feel that Heavenly Father is disappointed in my decision to work outside he home, but that doesn't mean that I don't suffer with that tinge of guilt every now and then. I do feel that in my particular situation, I am a better mother to my children for it. BTW, maybe Emmaly has the answer.
What if all mommies stayed home? The world would be run by MEN!!! LOL!
The flirp is working all the time and missing all kinds of events in your kids lives because it is what is demanded of you in the job. That's the part that I really hate. I loved teaching voice lessons when we lived in FL. Maybe you could do something like that. Also as the boys get older, you will have more options. Once they are in school look at being a music teacher or music teacher helper on the elementary level and you save day care and have the same hours they do.
Ahh – this is a debate that affects all moms, and I feel for you! Other than my maternity leave, I’ve never stayed at home (and highly doubt I ever will full time – unless retirement counts). I will tell you though that the grass always does appear greener on the other side, regardless of which side you’re on. I find myself jealous of the SAHMs fairly routinely. I don’t have any advice or suggestions for you – I think this decision is just as personal as the decision of whether or not to have another child! You just need to do what you think is best for you and your family. (Note – I said YOU too. Moms shouldn’t put themselves dead last on the list all of the time.)
I whole heartily agree with one of your other commenters here. I really wish we moms wouldn’t but so much pressure/judgment on ourselves or others regarding this “issue” and others. The last thing that should weigh in on your decision here is what people outside of your home think!
Good luck! I’m sure you’ll find something that balances well with what you need/want.
Jenny - I know that I have had this thought process more than once or twice! You gotta find what works best for you. You are amazingly talented and any school would be thrilled to have you. On the other hand, I know two little boys who idolize you and think you are the best mom ever - but maybe don't know how to tell you. Either way, you've got to find your own way. Not something that works for others, just you. Sending you loves in your quest & thinking you are pretty amazing...
I go through this every week. I went back to work because I had to, but I'll admit that I have a lot more patience with my children when I haven't heard them whining all day. I do wish sometimes when I look outside and it's a gorgeous day that I could go to the park or zoo with my kids. I don't have that option right now. I'm also so tired at the end of the day that I don't have a lot of energy left over. There is good to be said for both. I'm sure if you think and pray about it, you can find the perfect solution for you in your life right now.
Post a Comment