Have you ever started to feel a little unsure of yourself in a social situation, and then it maybe turns into a bit of paranoia, and eventually you snowball into a strange sinking feeling that makes you want to first throw up and then go hide? Every now and then I fall prey to this craziness, and I just can’t come back up for air.
I’ve unfortunately battled these little incidents all my life. It’s self-centered and self-indulgent in a way—as if everyone is somehow obsessed with judging me. And I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s still a tangible sensation that leaves me emotionally exhausted. My customary reaction is to throw my hands up and flee---usually with a half-gallon of ice cream somewhere close by.
Yesterday, after a series of disappointing events, this all-too-familiar feeling reared its ugly head. Right away I began preparations to go into seclusion and wait it out in my usual woe-is-me style.
But then I got mad. I didn’t have time to deal with this! Why in the world was I letting other people have this much power over me? Giving into self-pity seemed demeaning and idiotic and---weak! So for the first time in as long as I can remember, I swallowed it down. I furrowed my brow, and I shook it off my shoulders. Not this time.
And do you want to know the weirdest part? It worked! Calling myself out and angrily refusing to wallow seemed the very thing I needed. I was actually able to put that bizarre, debilitating feeling on the back-burner and have a wonderful night talking with friends without any lingering self-doubt. It was so freeing.
I really hope I can remember how to do it next time.
7 comments:
I SO know how you feel. And now its even worse for me because I'm starting to feel that way about Abby's social life too-and she's only four! I worry about her being accepted and liked and I want her peers to see how awesome she is and look past her hearing loss and whatever communication barriers that might cause. I want her to be "normal" but I gotta get over it, or I'm going to drive myself crazy for the next 15 years!
Good for you. Just remember that so many people wouldn't think that you are awesome if you weren't!
I'm glad you are starting to believe in yourself like WE believe in you!! You are truly an amazing person and should treat yourself as such!!
I absolutely know how you feel, and I have the double problem of a loveable, but hypercritical husband who points out my mistakes in an effort to be helpful. I then feel even worse about myself and my abilities to be out in public. And, sometimes I do just give up and stay home and hide. But, I'm trying to understand that while I'm not perfect, I am a good-hearted person who loves people and most of them will overlook my faults/mistakes and love me anyway. I know I think you're terrific, so (of course) you should too. We all mess up sometimes, so I try to always believe that people are doing the best they can in whatever circumstance and give them the benefit of the doubt. Another thought I really like is this one: "If it isn't love, let it go." That can bring big changes in your life if you live by it. Love you!
Jenny, I love reading your blog posts because so often I feel like I can completely relate. I've found it so hard to make friends since being married (I've found that a spouse brings this whole different dynamic to things--plus we can't seem to make "couple friends" that we both get along with). I am constantly second-guessing people's good intentions of friendship. Anytime anyone is nice to me I get all freaky and shy and decide there's no way they would possibly want to be friends with me...so instead of reciprocating I stay at home and wallow in self-pity. And then I wonder why I don't have any friends! I've been thinking lately that there is something seriously wrong with me. Things have gotten better here since we've been here for three years and know some people decently well now, but I'm DREADING our move in a few months, knowing that I'm going to have to make new friends YET AGAIN. I just hate hate HATE the prospect of having to go through all of these feelings of inadequacy again.
It makes me sad to hear that you feel the same way at times, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one that still feels unsure of themselves. I'm surprised to hear it from you though, honestly...you are so much fun to be around, I would never have thought you feel this way in social situations. Does everybody?
I'm so glad to hear that your strategy worked. The funny thing is, I've used the same strategy before, so I KNOW that it works...I just haven't done it in so long that I'd forgotten. Thank you for the reminder. You are the best!
WHOOHOOO! Don't you love how we never stop learning and growing in this life? Conquering something like is pretty amazing :)
I've felt this way too. People don't usually believe me because I'm told I come off as outgoing, but sometimes I've been in situations where I find myself talking and halfway through a sentence I think, "Why are you talking about this, no one cares. Just go stand in the corner and listen for a while".
It's different every time it hits, but I think I've finally broken through a wall and realized that while there are some people out there who do live to judge others, they are few and far between, and I don't have to care what they think. Most people really are willing to love and accept me as I am.
You are awesome Jenny and super talented. There's no such thing as a perfect person, we're all struggling with different things. I think most of the time you are much harder on yourself than anyone else would be.
Just remember, Jesus loves you, and so do we. There was a scripture in Gospel Doctrine today that comes to mind. Psalm 59:16 - "But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble." Whenever I want to curl up in a ball and cry after one of those situations, I like to think of the Savior wrapping his arms around me and know that he loves me even when it is hard to love myself.
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