Losing It

My main problem with listening to music lately is that when I hear a song worth listening to, I immediately want to MAKE that music. And not just solo Jenny on an acoustic guitar---that's not good enough. I want to completely recreate it, with a tight rhythm section, singers and a conga player who are my best friends and an amazing lead guitarist who I get to kiss when I go home at night.

I want to be able to close my eyes and be wholly enveloped in the pulsing beats and joyful cacophony. But I don't just want to drown in it--I also want to be a part of it--an important, VITAL part. When I hear the music, I want to BE the music maker.

Well, last night I had an opportunity to fulfill this wish in part with a small group of friends who invited me to sing with their band. I was thrilled to do this—finally a chance to exercise those talents and take part in an energizing creative experience.

Unfortunately, I seemed to have been lost in a mist of narcissism, seeing as how I declined to study any of the music we’d be playing—thinking that I’d “just read the music and wing it.” I didn’t even review anything I already knew because I assumed it was just like riding a bike—you never really forgot how.

Well, guess what? You do. When it came time for me to do my thing, I froze like an ice sculpture. I was positively rigid with fear of sounding like an idiot. And in my utter lack of confidence, that’s exactly what I did. I sounded like a timid, soulless coward tremulously trying to add my mewlings to the fray. What a nightmare. I was humiliated. And the worst part is that the opportunity to do something like this won’t likely come again.

So here’s my choice. I can close that chapter of my life for good. It was notably fabulous while it lasted, but it’s over now and I obviously don’t have the hutzpah (or reason) to keep it up nowadays.

Or…

I can get over myself, pick up my guitar and teach myself all over again how to perform with gusto instead of gutlessness. It angers me because there’ll be no progression here---merely trying to remember things I used to know. But I don’t want to lose it. Even if the glory days are over I don’t want to lose it.

We’ll see how it goes.